I'd rather I won.

Today is a hard day. Not the worst, mind you. I know it could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

But, none the less, it hurts.

I did not get chosen to be mamavated. I didn't even reach the top 5.

It was hard to apply - as I imagine it was for all the applicants. It was an extremely hard thing to write about my weight and to put my vlog out there - into the world for all to see. I tried to do it during the first Mamavtion campaign, and couldn't even get the vlog done because I was so worried about who would see it. But I did it this time. I made a vlog. I wrote the words. I told you all that, yes, I am overweight, and yes, it sucks.

I knew the chances of me getting to be the winner were slim. I mean, not only did I need to be willing to work hard (and I mean, hard) but I needed to show commitment, and I had to get people to vote. So I basically had to find you all, tell you I was fat, then tell you to help me fix it. And get more of you to do it than others. (Again, I repeat, not easy.) Oh, and also compete with other ladies who probably needed it as much as I did.

I had my guard up. I couldn't tell you everything - about every last moment that I have had in my past 15 years that got me to this point. That would be too hard. And it would take far too long. No, that would only happen if there was a good chance that I could take the title home. Become THE Mamavation Mom.

But then I started hoping. And dreaming. And letting my head feel how much my heart wanted it. And I said it out loud. And I let my guard down. I even answered questions - and asked some of my own. And I felt good about doing this. I told my husband that I really wanted this and that it would change - everything. The man even went out and got a twitter account just to support me, for heaven's sake.

Then I waited. For what seemed like an eternity - but really, it was only less than 2 days.

It was announced.

I did not win. I did not make it to the finalists. Close, but, no cigar.

And then it started. The tears. And they just kept coming. And coming. And I tried to twitter, and I tried to dm, and I tried to distract or put on a happy face. But the tears kept coming.

Seriously, it was ridiculous.

I hate when I cry - and my freakin' eyes do it way too often, little twerps. It wasn't any diferent this morning. I was a bawling baby.

Then I realized why I was crying so stinking much. That, not only did I want to win, and that I needed to win, but that I had to do something. And do it now.

So I am. I am making changes. Ready, here it goes:

• I'm changing up the blog - new location, new look, new content.
• I'm changing my twitter id to go with the blog
• I'm going back to healthy eating and making dinner at home.
• I'm exercising.
• I'm getting my butt in gear and doing things. Things that make me move more, and sit in front of the tv or computer less.
• I'm taking my kids and husband with me. It's a one for all kind of thing.

It will be hard. I won't have the support of the throngs of people that the Mamavation winner will have. But I can do it. Maybe not at warp speed, but I can at least freaking start, for crying out loud.

But one thing I won't be changing: I won't stop supporting the other Mamavation Moms - or anyone who wants to stop the battle, for that matter. I know a few more of you will feel what I'm feeling in a few days, when the final cuts are made.

And I can help. I'll let you cry and I'll let you get pissed. I'll let you eat some chocolate and sit on the couch to watch a chic flick. But then, you're gonna join me. We will write it out. We will work it out. And we will kick some ass.

We will get healthy. Together.