Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'd rather I won.

Today is a hard day. Not the worst, mind you. I know it could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

But, none the less, it hurts.

I did not get chosen to be mamavated. I didn't even reach the top 5.

It was hard to apply - as I imagine it was for all the applicants. It was an extremely hard thing to write about my weight and to put my vlog out there - into the world for all to see. I tried to do it during the first Mamavtion campaign, and couldn't even get the vlog done because I was so worried about who would see it. But I did it this time. I made a vlog. I wrote the words. I told you all that, yes, I am overweight, and yes, it sucks.

I knew the chances of me getting to be the winner were slim. I mean, not only did I need to be willing to work hard (and I mean, hard) but I needed to show commitment, and I had to get people to vote. So I basically had to find you all, tell you I was fat, then tell you to help me fix it. And get more of you to do it than others. (Again, I repeat, not easy.) Oh, and also compete with other ladies who probably needed it as much as I did.

I had my guard up. I couldn't tell you everything - about every last moment that I have had in my past 15 years that got me to this point. That would be too hard. And it would take far too long. No, that would only happen if there was a good chance that I could take the title home. Become THE Mamavation Mom.

But then I started hoping. And dreaming. And letting my head feel how much my heart wanted it. And I said it out loud. And I let my guard down. I even answered questions - and asked some of my own. And I felt good about doing this. I told my husband that I really wanted this and that it would change - everything. The man even went out and got a twitter account just to support me, for heaven's sake.

Then I waited. For what seemed like an eternity - but really, it was only less than 2 days.

It was announced.

I did not win. I did not make it to the finalists. Close, but, no cigar.

And then it started. The tears. And they just kept coming. And coming. And I tried to twitter, and I tried to dm, and I tried to distract or put on a happy face. But the tears kept coming.
Seriously, it was ridiculous.

I hate when I cry - and my freakin' eyes do it way too often, little twerps. It wasn't any diferent this morning. I was a bawling baby.

Then I realized why I was crying so stinking much. That, not only did I want to win, and that I needed to win, but that I had to do something. And do it now.

So I am. I am making changes. Ready, here it goes:
  • I'm changing up the blog - new location, new look, new content.
  • I'm changing my twitter id to go with the blog
  • I'm going back to healthy eating and making dinner at home.
  • I'm exercising.
  • I'm getting my butt in gear and doing things. Things that make me move more, and sit in front of the tv or computer less.
  • I'm taking my kids and husband with me. It's a one for all kind of thing.
It will be hard. I won't have the support of the throngs of people that the Mamavation winner will have. But I can do it. Maybe not at warp speed, but I can at least freaking start, for crying out loud.

But one thing I won't be changing: I won't stop supporting the other Mamavation Moms - or anyone who wants to stop the battle, for that matter. I know a few more of you will feel what I'm feeling in a few days, when the final cuts are made.

And I can help. I'll let you cry and I'll let you get pissed. I'll let you eat some chocolate and sit on the couch to watch a chic flick. But then, you're gonna join me. We will write it out. We will work it out. And we will kick some ass.

We will get healthy. Together.


  1. So proud of you for putting yourself out there, and for not giving up! You WILL overcome this, and you will succeed! You will find that you have more support because of your willingness to put your heart out there for everyone to see. I, for one, will follow along with you, and support you in any way I can! HUGS!

  2. YES!!! WE WILL GET HEALTHY!! Twitter is a great way to reach out and I have met the most supportive friends there! I have new and treasured friendships and they all started with the common interest of learning what healthy means! DM or email me anytime you need a shoulder!!

    keep it real, jen

  3. what a great blog! I will look forward to following your journey and your success!! Warmest wishes -- jeanne Fitzmaurice:

    ps -- no training required to join our VIRTUAL online walk to support Stage IV breast cancer patients --

  4. Oh yeah, I give you mad props (says the english teacher) because there is no way I could have videotaped myself much less posted the video!


  5. totally get it! And it only took you a couple of hours. You remind me so much of Ali (@picklesugarplum)...same thing happened to her, but she decided that she was going to stop being the victim and take action. Take her power back!

    Would you have made the same decision about your life had you not put yourself out there? Only you can answer that question, but I"m gonna guess probably not. And the program is set up that way on purpose. I know it hurts, but you get it. Putting yourself out there and talking about the issues is the ONLY way to start the change.

    I love you!!

  6. You may not be the Mamavation mom but it got you motivated! I've been struggling with all this stuff, too, and finally have been making some good choices (I've been blogging about that on my personal blog

    You go, girl!

  7. seriously, you rock! You will have throngs of support, and I will be first in line (well, second behind bookieboo). I am so proud of you. you are not alone. not in your thinking, and not on your journey.

  8. You are so awesome and you GET IT! I wasn't chosen as the first mamavation mom although I wanted it really bad too! But the application process itself kicked my butt in gear, just like it has yours! Use the site for support- we are all here for you!

  9. Mandy you are inspiring! You know what you need to do and we will all help you achieve your goals! BIG GIANT ))))))VIRTUAL(((((( hug to you! Muahh, thank you for this post! You ROCK!

  10. I hope to see you again in the follow along groups Sellers! I loved your posted... you can do this! I'm here for you if you ever need me. xoxo

  11. awesome attitude! Sorry for your loss, but so great to use this to drive you. Keep it up and cant wait to hear about your results!